It’s that time of year, folks: time to start preparing your festival looks. The most underrated but completely experience-changing item you can sport this festival season is — you guessed it: the Fanny Pack. Unsure of whether or not this style is for you? Well, here are 5 reasons you should bring one to Roots N Blues 2017.
This is the top reason to bring one. It can even be argued that this reason is the sole reason that fanny packs exist. Don’t believe me? See for yourself! They’re great at carrying a cornucopia of items such as your phone, wallet, a handkerchief, an extra beer, and even some fresh BBQ if you’re looking to get a little crazy! You don’t even need pockets! WOW! What a development for your wardrobe planning!
Are you lonely? Are you searching for some affection in your life? Just want to feel loved? Well, do I have something for you! It’s called a fanny pack, and it comes fully equipped with a strap that not only tightens, but also untightens so that YOU can choose how warm of an embrace you want from your little pelvic companion! Cutting-edge fanny pack technology features a nylon strap capable of tricking your mind into believing that you are enveloped in the arms of someone that cares. And who knows, maybe if you wear it long enough, it will attract someone who actually does care, in which case you can send me a thank you note along with however much cash your great, big, oxytocin-flooded heart is willing to give me.
This might be a controversial topic for some, but don’t get it twisted. Fanny packs are IN right now and you shouldn’t be caught without one! I have gotten word from my sources that worldwide fashion icon Fabio goes to sleep every night and wakes up every morning thinking about his fanny pack and how it changed his life forever. Before he first started wearing his fanny pack, he was an aimless Italian actor with only his chiseled muscles and silky long hair. But after he strapped on the pack, the world began to take notice. He no longer embodied just a piece of meat but rather transformed himself into a trendsetter and fashion mogul thanks to the elegance and convenience of his fanny pack. Money and fame flooded in until the point where his fanny pack’s stitching literally ripped from all of the solid gold bars weighing down his pack as well as droves of rabid fans clawing at his nylon straps, desperately trying to capture their own shred of magnificence. That day, his beloved fanny pack met its fate and would never be able to conveniently carry things again. The heartbreak of losing his dear fanny sent Fabio and his career into a downward spiral highlighted by his switch to cargo shorts. His money and fame dwindled into oblivion. Now, Fabio wanders the streets of Italy as a forgotten star, forever reliving his glory days when he had his fanny pack***… I think I got a bit off track, but what I’m trying to say is that fanny packs are one of the hottest commodities right now and for the sake of your swagger, you should bring one to RNBNBBQ!
If you are in fact a lifeguard, it’s imperative that you bring your fanny pack to RNBNBBQ. It’s a matter of protocol. Children’s lives are in your hands AND in your fanny pack. So, if you truly guard the life like you say you do, you best be bringing your pack and whatever secretive life-saving elixirs you lifeguards keep in those things.
Yup, it’s that time of year again. The sun is shining, music is playing, the smell of BBQ freely running through the open air. Life is good…but, somewhere out there, lurking in the shadows, there could be someone planning to ruin your day by stealing your wallet/phone/whatever you bring to the festival. But wait, what’s this? A fanny pack?? Blast, his plan is foiled. How can his grubby little criminal fingers penetrate the woven walls of your fanny pack? The simple answer: they can’t. And you, the seemingly sitting duck, come out on top as a hero. So get yourself a fanny pack to send the message to all those party-poopers: this party will not be pooped on.